"Every way of a man is right in his own eyes..."
~Proverbs 21:2 (ESV)
After months of trying to find a copy, our local library finally acquired a copy of Dale Carnegie’s classic How To Win Friends and Influence People. The reason I wanted to read this is that almost every book I’ve ever read on leadership seems to reference this book, so I wanted to see what made this book such a classic.
. The reason I wanted to read this is that almost every book I’ve ever read on leadership seems to reference this book, so I wanted to see what made this book such a classic.Honestly, the first chapter took me by surprise. Carnegie began the first chapter with a view of human nature. I told a story of the notorious gangster and killer “Two Gun” Crowley who was arrested after a deadly shootout with the police. As Crowley sat in his prison cell awaiting execution he said to himself, “This is what I get for defending myself.”[1] He went through other examples of people getting into trouble doing notorious or unethical things and somehow finding no blame in themselves, but instead they were all wronged somehow. As Curly always said, “I’m a victim of circumstance.”
Most notoriously, Carnegie presents the following quote: “I have spent the best years of my life giving people the lighter pleasures, helping them have a good time, and all I get is abuse, the existence of a haunted man.”[2] Who was this altruistic saint—this bastion of self-sacrifice and unrequited generosity? None other than the saintly Al Capone.
Carnegie’s point is that it is human nature to believe that their motives are pure and honorable. I observed long ago that every person you will ever encounter is the hero of their own story. Therefore, it is hard to accept that we are wrong. Then came something I had difficulty accepting. From this Carnegie gave his first principle of dealing with people: “Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.”
At first glance it looked like he was saying to let people be this way. My first reaction was a bit visceral. I threw the book across the room saying, “Load of crap!” One of my biggest pet peeves is the lack of personal responsibility and accountability, and for him to suggest to leave people in this state was, to me, a terribly wrong. A few minutes later, cooler heads prevailed and I remembered one of Richard Foster's
suggestions on reading—instead of simply deciding whether or not we agree with something we read, we should first attempt to understand it. I went back through the chapter and even surveyed the whole book. I found that he was in no way saying that we should leave people in this state of delusion. Later in the book he teaches how we should approach people to try and pull them out of this.
suggestions on reading—instead of simply deciding whether or not we agree with something we read, we should first attempt to understand it. I went back through the chapter and even surveyed the whole book. I found that he was in no way saying that we should leave people in this state of delusion. Later in the book he teaches how we should approach people to try and pull them out of this.
The point he was making was that we cannot come in with guns blasting. Human beings are pretty fragile, and to be told that they are wrong from the get-go, they will become defensive. The human ego is a delicate flower that we have to tread around softly if we want to get to affect change (this is why his later suggestions are about letting others save face, and allowing others to think that an idea is theirs). This is why Carnegie says that criticism makes others seek to justify themselves, rather than deal with the issue. We must move towards a more subtle approach.
At the heart of this issue, and the rest of the book is the concept of trying to see things from the other person’s point of view. Therefore humility is always required when dealing with others. As Carnegie says, “Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain—and most fools do. But it takes character and self control to be understanding.”[3]
